It's cold here today. It's also very windy, but because we're on the top of a mountain it is always windy. I love the wind.
It's kind of ironic. We should be celebrating this week, our first year anniversary in the new house. But truth be told, no one really feels like celebrating. We're all feeling the effects of 4 months now of constant stress, and constant running around.
We have a few weeks now where the pace is slower. That has it's good sides and it's bad sides. On one hand it gives us the time to get caught up on things that have gotten shoved in a corner, on the other hand, it gives us time to ponder and worry about things we can't control right now. Like Brian's future, unpaid bills and other projects we won't get to for some time.
It's certainly not at all where we envisioned we would be a year out from our move.
Things change and while I am a creature of habit and abhor change on principal, I openly embrace good changes down the line. It's kind of hard for me to currently identify the silver lining here. Now, don't get me wrong..I know there will be one, there always is, it's just sometimes the suffering is significant on the path to enlightenment.
It's hard to keep the pace that we've been running on for such a long time and not feel the burn so to speak. Brian suffered so many significant side effects from the chemotherapy of 10 years ago, it seemed like we never really got totally off the first merry go round before being dragged kicking and screaming back to a second ride.
To some extent this type of lifestyle has become a way of life for us, but it is not one I recommend for the average person. The long term consequences are not good. Believe me, I know...after all I did just see my doctor yesterday. But we didn't choose this, we only deal with what is thrown our way.
Brian 's not sure what to do with himself today. He's tired, but bored. He brought me a jar of change a little while ago to see if I would take it to the coin star and cash it in so I could buy him a cheap computer game.
This is what our life has become?.....one jar of change after another....a stack of unpaid bills...a wash basket of problems...not really where I saw myself being. But the truth is it's not where you are going that matters. It's what you do each day. And even though we're mucked up in mud right now, we have accomplished a great deal despite those sometimes overwhelming obstacles.
When Brian was on the pediatric cancer unit before, we were in the hospital a lot. Many days out of each month sometimes. We saw families pulled apart by the stress, we saw children die. Sometimes I don't think that some of the people in my life really even comprehended what we faced. Brian is battling for his life. He has been for 10 years. Make no mistake....this type of cancer kills. We face that possibility every day, and we have for a long time now. Brian faces a battle for the rest of his life, even if the transplant is a success. He has permanent damage. His life will never be normal. But I have never seen someone fight with the attitude and determination that Brian has. And he never loses sight of his passions in life. I have watched him at his lowest and still been privileged to verbally spar, discuss and dissect things about life many people barely give a thought to. Even though he makes me NUTS.
I want to thank Stephanie's friend and coworker Patricia Grego for her lovely framed poem she wrote about Brian. It was very touching and kind.
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