choices

Scott and I sold our wedding rings today....gold fetches nice money and Brian needs to see a dentist, he really needs a new mattress and we had about $200.00 in unexpected car repairs.

I knew we had to do it...just way too many bills we couldn't cover this month...and I know we should be upset about it, but truth be told...you do what you have to do.

If i didnt have the cat rescue to keep my mind focused on the positive, I might be feeling stressed, but I didn't. Sad a little, but it isn't those rings that symbolize the fact that we're still together despite the blows we seem unable to step to the side and miss...

who knows..maybe next Christmas when we've been married 30 years we can get new ones, but for now I got the dentist thing and the car thing covered and I am working on finding an affordable mattress.

you do what you have to do for your kids...and as long as it is the right thing...the cost is the reward of being a good and caring parent.

I know people don't understand the toll that 13 years of this takes, and I hope they never do. Better it is our burden because we can do it then it is someone elses.

funny what we miss

we've had to give up a lot of things and we've found out after a while you hardly miss them....

but right now when my dishwasher is broken and full of water and my husband's solution to dealing with the stress is to stay at work again...

I miss the money to pay to get things done....I mean I did make Scott  (and still do) fix the things he could..but sometimes?...

today as my back kills me from bending over the sink and bailing water from the dishwasher..I miss being able to just go buy a new one.

I HATE washing dishes by hand and so does my back.

on the upside, it was a glorious day out, Brian and I had lunch outside in the sun and fresh air and I see little baby greens starting to peek their heads up in the gardens.

and my mage is level 90 on warcraft..finally... (got to have a little fun in all the craziness )

our new normal

So I know many of you are waiting to hear about yesterday' trip to Philadelphia. With the Cat Scan results (which i neglected to get but will next week to post)

Brian has a lesion on his spleen, which did not light up on scan, so they consider it "old" lymphoma...but it has not shown up in the reports before. Although Dr. Nasta said she looked back through the years and found a referral to another (or the same?) years back.

basically there has not a lot of change, There are some subtle things that I think indicate his body continues to mount a battle against the cancer to keep it contained. But this is simply a DR. and a mother having a conversation about what they think is going on.

There are some other issues that makes the DR. think Brian has an autoimmune problem as well, so they ran some additional blood tests.

The toe is one of those things, the fact that despite repeated doses of antibiotics it has been infected for 7 months now.

I think we have no choice but to continue to battle this with good whole foods, making sure that Brian gets the best possible nutrition he can.

PET Scan in 3 months again....it looks like this is going to be what is normal for us now....
scans until something is confirmed, then treatment...then scans....then treatment..with the hope that we can keep one foot ahead of the cancer with whatever new treatments come out the pike.
It sucks and I simply do not know how we can continue to do this...emotionally or financially.
We've been skating the edge of disaster with the depression, the old cars, the bills, the emotional fall out...for a long time.
We have to be careful here....it can and has consumed our lives and that doesn't help us keep one foot off the edge.

And sadly it also once again sends home the point, there will never be vacations or retirement or many of the things we had hoped to do.
As parents, we're okay with it, I mean what parents wouldn't give up everything to save their child, but it doesn't mean it isn't hard.

Brian's going to continue to try and get some money for school and I am going to move forward with the cat rescue...because otherwise we wither and die out of sheer emotional exhaustion.

Scott's taken up watching sports..who knew...

we're broken in so many ways...but we're also Scottish and German and Irish....we will do ok broken...the genes say so.

long week

It always seems to be a long week while waiting for that trip for scan results. Thursday we head to Philadelphia....

Scott has to replace the fuel pump on his car today...always one thing or another...nickle and diming us to death. This money situation is just really difficult right now. Oh wait isn't it always. But I need to see where we can make more cut backs...we have some increases in co pays since we switched Brian's insurance (which we had no choice in) and he really needs to go to the dentist...and he needs a new mattress...ehhh...never ends.

yesterday however was a glorious spring day here and I showed Brian how to prepare the new root garden. Beets and onions are going in shortly. Beets are excellent health foods and the beet greens are wonderful sources of vitamins for him, but beets are sadly one of top ten gmo foods (genetically modified) and I simply can not take the chance with his health, so we are growing our own.

so many things always running around in my head.
but I am sleeping better again..I think it is the nice cool breezes coming in the from open windows. :)

it's been a long winter...we could use some good news on thursday for sure.

have some cheese with that whine

yes I sounded whiny yesterday...4 hours in a car and a lot of back pain tends to do that to me...
I had to break out the ice and pain pills last night, but I feel better today. I see an injection for my back in the future though.

ok a new day a new 'tude...

cat scan

so today was the cat scan....Bri is feeling kind of nasty tonight from the contrast, so he headed off to bed after a little soup.

the auction ends tonight, but it is disappointing unless there are any last minute surprises.
I am going to sort through some jewelry I can live without and take that to sell...it is all that is selling these days. I used to be able to put a dent in our expenses with online sales, but it is hard these days...

gas went down a little at least...$3.65 /gal today....but 130 miles today and more then twice that next week.

Looks like I finally got everything squared away with the medicaid problems for now though...only a zillion hours and phone calls later. ;)


I applied for some other assistance to help us with some of the expenses, but all it looks like we'll get is the $150.00 from the lymphoma/leukemia society...but I gave up being proud some time ago..I'll take it.

I can't help but wonder if we didn't support Brian and pay for everything at no small cost and sacrific to us, what would happen...of course I have been wondering that for the last 13 years...

I mean seriously..I really need to buy some new bra's....think we could catch a break for a few months?...lol

oh well..spring is here..time to start some seeds to grow some nice healthy veggies...and it does help with the grocery bills as well as being satisfying to grow things.

cat scan results on 4/18 when we make make the trek to Phila. tl meet with Dr. Nasta.

auctions started

starting to list auctions...plz check them out..lots of expenses this month.

5 am blues

damn shame when it is the 3rd of the month and there is already too much month at the end of the money....it's keeping me up tonight. ;(

didn't get all the problems solved yet with the medicaid either...waiting on some phone calls back.

and I am hungry...lol   but too worn out to cook anything. I would so love some taco bell....or chinese take out...and cheesecake...def cheesecake ....

on the upside of things, I have a wonderful offer form an IRS agent who actually does 501c3's to help with the cat rescue paperwork...very exciting...AND I got my first donation of $25.00....
I have to have something else to work on besides cancer and medical paperwork... 13 years of it is too much even for me.