How it feels

Wednesday a good friend sent me an email.
In that email she remarked about how she didn't know how I could deal with everything going on and how I seemed strong and in control. She also said that she knew I must be hurting and if anyone saw that side of me.

I answered her in my typical glib fashion and in doing so, I realized that I did her a great disservice. (one of many, I make a lousy friend) She asked the tough questions because she cares. Because she knows what it means to be a parent that loves their children more then anything else.

I did her a disservice because I have allowed her into my life enough to know I DO keep those things out of sight and out of reach.

My daughter wears her heart on her sleeve and I have frequent conversations with her about that, and about not doing so. But she is her father's daughter, and I love them both very much for that.

So, to address those questions in a more honest way...I seem strong and in control, because I know only too well that there are serious pitfalls if I don't. When Brian was first diagnosed with cancer in Dec. 2000, There was a period of about 3 weeks where we lived in a fog of disbelief...we moved from point A to point B because that is what the Doctor's told us to do. We missed important things that later on we played catch up to get up to speed on because of that. So when Brian had surgery and I knew the biopsy was going to be cancer again, I determinedly hit the ground running because I wasn't in a fog, or shocked and I knew the pitfalls of not doing so.

As to my feelings. I once a long time ago described the pain of finding out your child has cancer, as a cutting pain, that you didn't realize you could feel. You can experience pain and loss and it can be hard, but this is not like anything that you can really express in words.
There is nothing to do in my opinion but to work through it. I think sometimes there is nothing more I'd like to do but collapse in a heap in a corner, but I can't..I don't mean I don't want to, I mean I am emotionally and physically not capable of that sort of outward display. It does not however mean I do not feel that way on the inside. But I learned a long time ago that those unchecked emotions allowed a vulnerability that I am not willing to share with anyone.

Anger I can express, way too easily, but anger is like a drug addiction, it eats you from the inside out, and you only want more, and I have learned to walk away from the worst of my anger. That took me most of my life, with lots of back stepping, but it is the best gift I could give myself.

Brian doesn't express himself very much either, and I worry about how he feels. He is way too accepting of what is happening to him right now.

Special thanks today go to my good friend Lynn for her paypal donation, with the PET scan, it came exactly at the right time.
also thanks to grandpa for the hepa filters, one of which arrived today, those are invaluable in helping Brian to stay healthy during treatment.
Thanks to Ilene who has graciously arranged for us to take Brian to Great Wolf on wednesday to have a fun filled day before his bone marrow aspirate on Friday, that is a superb gift that allows us to spend a wonderful day together as a family having fun, but still be close to home if he gets too tired.