saturday

In the mail on friday I got the monthly newletter form the lymphoma/leukemia society. I have been getting these for 10 years now.
I noticed this month there is an article on NHL (non hogkins lymphoma) and it talks about how nhl should now be looked at as not curable, but as a chronic disease. I knew this, I really did, in my heart, but after the week I have had, seeing it in print really just sent me for a nosedive.

How can we possibly continue to deal with this constant drain of money and emotion and time and it is sucking what little life I have left in me, out.
I just see nothing but doom and gloom on our horizon. I feel today that if it wasn't for Brian and Stephanie and the cats, there would be no real reason to get out of bed in the morning. I am officially depressed. Really, really depressed.

while I will never understand why people abuse substances because I am a control freak, I am beginning to understand why people cut themselves and starve themselves, because those are controllable things in a world that is running headlong into disaster, and I NEVER wanted to understand these types of things.

we just do not seem to get a break and I am beat up, beat down and just so damn sad.

on top of it all, Brian is complaining of feeling a lump in his neck. I am hoping he just has a little cold and it is a normal lymph node. I can feel it too.